I am still not fully there, but I have recently realised I have arrived at the beginning of another chapter. If you’d ask my twenty-year-old self it would never believe or understand where I am today.
I always used to wonder how it’s going to be.
I thought I knew what growing older would look like
I used to think I don’t want to grow old. My younger self feared the way I will look, the fact life will be over by then because that’s what we are taught to believe. As a woman reaching 40 and not having obvious ‘accomplishments’ like having family or at least a career or good looks might feel scary for many. The reality is aging for women even with all the things above is scary in a society which constantly tell them they are past their time by certain age.
I would lie if these thoughts wouldn’t cross my mind but somewhere around crossing 30 I have realised none of these things are ‘mine’.
They’ve never been my dreams, they’ve never truly resonated even though I might once have chased them myself. The truth is I’ve never dreamt of having kids, I’ve never cared how people look and I’ve never truly felt career is an important element in life. Saying such from once upon a time high achieving individual who was chasing external validation and choosing a career path according to ‘how much can I learn in such profession’ feels strange even to me. But the truth is I only started seeing myself for who I truly was in my very late twenties and the journey progressed from there over a decade until now.
I’ve started painting.
Not because I was good at it.
Not because I wanted to turn it into a successful career.
I’ve started painting because I needed to. Because while doing so I could hear my soul and quiet my mind. Because I felt at peace when I moved my brush across the paper. Because there was a lot inside me that needed to get out in some shape or form.
Because visual language was the only one I was able to communicate in.
Somewhere along the journey I’ve realised I’ve always loved creating but I never paid attention to that enjoyment. There were titles to be achieved, jobs to be held, expectations to be fulfilled.
For years, especially throughout my studies, my body screamed at me to stop studying and go experience the world and I was not listening. Expectations felt heavy and when my personal life fell apart and as a result my nervous system could not handle any more pressure I finally started listening.
I have never meant to be a lawyer or a journalist or a manager.
Not because these are ‘bad’ professions, in fact they’re not – they can be very fulfilling and honest ones, but mostly because I was built for something else. I was built to not chase but slow down, not rush but pay attention. My path led to the mental health field so I could better understand myself and the world and eventually it led to art.
A new chapter
Finally now I am ready to make a commitment to create.
Not to chase success or become known – I don’t care what people think of my art.
I just want to be myself, to finally allow that sensitive perceptive deeply thinking little girl to be seen by me. And allow whatever needs to be communicated through paint be heard.
I’ve been practicing and learning to paint and draw on and off for the past decade but this is the first time I actually feel ready to pursue it in a meaningful way.
I still have another job.
I don’t have a studio.
And I am not even part of the wider art community.
Maybe that’s the way it’s always going to be. Yet I don’t mind anymore where it all leads. What matters to me is that I keep noticing, keep connecting with nature through hikes and observations and keep paying attention to the world around. Not to save it, not to change it, only to observe it in its wholeness, beauty and reality. Because today I feel this has always been the purpose of my life – to observe and pay attention. And I’d like to share that journey with you because maybe you would like to slow down and pay attention as well.
